It's All About the Cleaving!

“President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24, said: ‘She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, who are so deal to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place. I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake.’ We might add that it is a serious mistake for newly married sons or daughters to put their parents in that first place and crowd out the new husband or wife.”

-James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen

I recently had a discussion with someone close to me about some choices they had made in previous relationships. This person explained to me that in their previous marriage, the mother was so involved with her children and their lives, that she left little/no time to be a wife. She was an A+ mother, daughter, employee and friend, but was really failing her marriage. The father was doing very well in his job, in his calling and as a friend, but was also failing as a spouse. He felt that she was putting the kids above him, and she felt that he was always working, so she had to. Eventually choices were made that ended the marriage.

I knew this part of the story already. But what I didn’t know was how nervous the mother was to hurt or leave her children. Her husband wanted to go on trips alone together, but she was always too scared to leave the kids. He wanted date nights, but she couldn’t handle the thought of a babysitter. She loved her kids so much, that she wanted to do the best she could as a mom. After discussing it, her advice to me was to put my husband first.

Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

I remember the bishop from my teen years telling us a story about his dad. He said that one night at Sunday dinner, the kids asked the father if all of his family were drowning in the pool, who would he save first? His reply was: “I would step on every one of your heads to save your mother.” Obviously this is a dramatic example and supposed to be kind of morbidly comical, but it has always stuck with me. Spouses come first….always. It’s all about the cleaving!

It can be very easy for us to break the order of priorities. We should put God at the top, then our spouses, then our children, and so on… If this order is broken, things are not working properly. Things don’t feel right, and actually feel really bad when the order has been changed.

When I put my husband in his rightful, and preeminent place in my priorities, things are better. We still struggle with life’s fun puzzles, but we do it together. The best gift that I could ever give my husband is to put his needs and wants above all else. My children are some of my greatest treasures and blessings, but my husband is my companion throughout eternity. He is the one who will stand by my side forever as my best friend. My parents and family are still some of my favorite people and mean the world to me, but they have their proper order in my priorities and they respect that! They are cleaving to spouses, too!

I am grateful for the peace that comes to my soul, to my marriage and to my home when priorities are in their proper order. I am grateful for a spouse that always puts me first, and for kids that see him do it. When the order is followed, we all benefit!

Cookies!

When my husband and I were in engaged, just a few weeks before we were married, I experienced my most memorable lesson about learning from a [future] spouse. We were driving on the backroads of our little farm town, talking about the plans for the wedding reception. Some of his family, who were not yet used to thinking of us as adults, were struggling to come-to-terms with some of the plans. As a natural people-pleaser, this was really hard for me. I remember they wanted to change things I had picked out, and even though I had had my heart set on them, I was contemplating the change. I just couldn’t handle the thought of them being upset by me!

My sweet and amazing husband, then just my fiancé, put his foot down. He explained to me that if people have a problem with something that I love, that it is their problem. If I was kind and didn’t do anything wrong, then I shouldn’t feel bad. And if they still were annoyed, then it was their fault for choosing to be annoyed.

This was just so entirely different than anything that I had ever believed. My husband called these people and told them no, that they were stressing me out and to leave me alone about it all. And they did! And they didn’t hate me! Weird!

I remember this occasion not just for the lesson that he taught me about how to handle my people-pleasing tendencies, but for how different we were. For the first time I really understood that we were distinctive people, who reacted differently, but that we worked together.

This is perfectly explained by Elder Henry B. Eyring, at the end of his talk “That We May Be One:”

“A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

Since then, we have obviously had more differences pop up. I think they really work together to balance us out. I am a bit more bossy, while my husband usually has an along-for-the-ride attitude. I love to bake, and my husband loves to eat cookies. I stress about people seeing our house when it looks messy, while my husband doesn’t care if guests know that people actually live in our house. Those things can sometimes cause a little friction, but usually they work to even out our craziness to normal levels. And isn’t that balance what it is really all about? Finding what makes us one?

Being “one,” doesn’t necessarily mean being the same. It means that we are united. You can be united in purpose, in love, in goals...in so many things without being exactly the same. My husband and I work to be united, and because of that, our home can feel united. We work together to raise our children, to perform our callings, to be with our families, to love our neighborhood neighbors and to get through school. It starts in our marriage and works its way into everything that we do. The opposite thing happens, unfortunately, when we are not as united as we should be.

I am grateful for our differences, and I love our similarities. I love that both parts of our relationship work to bring us together as “one.” We fit each other. And…it is kind of nice that he is there to make sure no cookies go to waste.

Media and Marriage

“Sometimes the image of men and women shown in the media subtly and incorrectly influences our perception of sexuality. Seldom does the media present a balanced, mature, loving marital relationship. Men are often presented as strong, dashing heroes with little commitment and only one desire—sex. Women are portrayed as hopelessly romantic, pragmatically businesslike, or silly, who in any case have one function—that of satisfying man’s one desire. Both of these narrow views deny the individuality of men and women. They ignore the fact that both are children of God, each with his or her own hopes, desires, talents, and emotions. When a husband and wife forget this truth and see the other as an object, sexuality can do little or nothing to promote intimacy.”

–Brent A. Barlow, September 1986 Ensign, They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage

Embarrassingly, I had never really picked up on this truth, until very recently. It is amazing at how many disturbing and prevalent truths you pick up on when that media portrayal is seen or heard by your daughter! Television shows that I would watch and would have before considered “basically appropriate,” become much less “appropriate” when my nine-year-old daughter is watching it with me! But why? Why have I always deemed it ok for my own soul, but like a light switch in her presence, it is suddenly barbaric?

When I think of my sweet little girl, I don’t ever want her to even once consider her sexual purity as silly. I never want her to feel like real and spiritual love is for hopeless romantics. I can not handle the thought of her living a life of promiscuity, or of her believing that physical and sexual relations are expected from her before marriage. I mean, this is my daughter people!

Since I am so offended by this thought, I must have made many precautions to avoid it, right? I taught her about modesty, about dating, and about safe internet practices. We talked about love within marriage, and I make sure she knows she can always come to me for questions and help. I thought I was doing pretty good! But as I was reading today, I realized that I have willingly been letting examples of infidelity, promiscuity, immodesty and inappropriate language into my home. I have used my very own television remote to expose her to the exact lifestyles that I never wanted her to consider leading. I did that! Her own mother! And you know what? It wasn’t even through terribly bad shows- it happens on children channels, too.

It makes me ill to think about. But what feels worse, is knowing that I have exposed that same ugliness into my marriage. Netflix has made it so easy for us to unwind at night with a show—all while we subject ourselves to things that are offensive to the Lord and to the Spirit. We have done so much in our marriage to protect ourselves and our home from Satan, but we invite him in willingly with our media choices. My purity is of no less worth than my daughter’s—so why hasn’t it offended me or my spirit before?

Going forward, things in our marriage, in our home and in our parenting will need to change. If we want to have a home that invites the Spirit, then we need to make sure we are allowing the Spirit to be happy here. If my marriage is to represent everything that we say we believe in, then we should be upholding every one of those values in the media choices we allow. What is inappropriate for my child, will most definitely be inappropriate for my marriage, and for myself!

Charity and Our Hearts

“Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” –H. Wallace Goddard, PhD

This quote touched my heart. How many times have I tried to help my husband (or anyone else) see what they need to do to “fix” themselves, when really there was no problem on their behalf? I cannot, and will not ever “fix” anything about anyone. No amount of coaching will change that. That isn’t my purpose, and should never be my goal.

Charity means loving people. It means loving their good, as well as loving their less-than-good. It means more than just turning a blind-eye, or choosing not to voice an irritation. It is accepting the person for everything that they are, everything that they will become, and everywhere that they have been. Charity is loving someone the way that Christ loves each of us- completely, and with no exception.

In marriage, this is especially important. Last year, my husband and I decided it was the perfect timing and situation to quickly get through school. He quit his job and took on about 24 credit hours, and I bumped up my credits to full-time. We woke up every morning, got our big kids to school, and then sat in front of computers and books to do homework. Besides meetings for our callings, shopping or trips to our kid’s school/doctors/sports, we spend every minute of every day together for an entire year.

It was awesome, and probably the best and hardest year of our marriage yet! We are totally different people, that operate on two totally different wavelengths. We got along fine most of the time, but once in a while, we would clash. During those times when we were annoyed, it was very hard not to pick apart the other. Typing to loud, taking too many breaks, getting a poor grade, leaving a mess…..it was a lot for both of us to handle! And why? Because our hearts were not right—we were selfishly picking apart traits that differ from us. “There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”

If I could go back to last year, I would change some things. First, I would try to remember that the things that I would get annoyed with are not the others' fault. They cannot control if I get annoyed, only I can. Second, I would try to love my sweet husband for every amazing part of him, even the parts that were difficult to manage. Third, I would try to love my husband even more for being so patient and kind to me. Fourth, I would do everything I could to always see him exactly as the Savior sees him.

I am so grateful for the knowledge of Jesus Christ that we have, and for the endless and perfect love that He has for each of us. I know that as we seek to understand and know that love, that we will have no bigger desire than to share it with others. I am grateful for the knowledge of families and eternal marriage, and for that heavenly example that was set in place for us to follow. We can and should love our spouses, with the same perfect love we are shown from our Savior.

Consecration

“A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” –Elder Lynn G. Robbins

It seems like such an easy thing to say, “you are making me so upset!” It is much more difficult to accept that our emotions belong to us, and that we are just as responsible for our own emotions as we are the actions that sometimes follow them. We choose to be happy. We choose to be mad. We choose to be heartbroken. Our emotions are choices that we make!

In marriage, this self-owning of our emotions is especially important. Because no marriage, or no spouse will ever be perfect, this practice takes effort. Sometimes a lot of effort! This sacrifice of our natural-man tendency to blame another for our emotions is part of consecrating ourselves and our marriage unto the Lord.

“Those who will bear whatever is necessary in order to honor their covenants will be made glorious. They will experience eternal joy. They are, after all, those who have honored eternal things above temporal things.” – Dr. H. Wallace Goddard

We are promised that if we will do whatever it takes to honor our covenants, much better things will await us. Part of those covenants include mastering our emotions. When considering the blessings that are in the future for the righteous, should it really be hard for us to control these emotions?

This idea crossed my mind a few times this week when I was running different errands with my children. Without fail, my son will always ask for some sort of treat at the grocery store. Actually, he will usually ask for several different treats. Once in a while, I will say “yes.” However, most of the time, I will say “no.” Most of the time he expects a “no,” so he just moves on and looks up the isle for the next treat to ask for. However, if my son is tired, or even  a little hungry, the “no,” stirs up some whining. I remind him that we don’t always say yes to treats, and that he needs to control his reactions so that maybe next time it can happen.

As a parent, I want my young son to learn to control his own actions, and to be responsible for being happy even if he doesn’t get what he wants. He is a child and is learning to do this! So at what point do I expect less from myself, a grown-up, in my marriage? Why is my boy expected to control a temper, when sometimes I barely am managing to keep it together? It is a choice. And it is a choice that even young children are taught to make.

Part of giving everything I have to the Lord, and to my marriage includes my choice to be angry, to feel hurt or offended, and so many more destructive emotions that are personal choices. I love the Lord more than myself, so I give up my need to react in anger. I love my spouse more than myself, so I practice feeling positive emotions.

The Ironic Dilemma

“The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness—and we are seeking happiness in ways guarantee emptiness.” – Dr. H. Wallace Goddard

It is so interesting, isn’t it? That what we seek in our marriages, if sought for in the wrong places can actually end our marriages? We think that the key to being happy is making sure that everything around us fits our needs and our wants. But in reality, the only real place we will find joy in our marriages is outside of ourselves.

Last week my husband had a pretty bad headache. He complained that it was pulsing through his head and into his jaw. I offered him a heat pack, some medicine, liquids…anything I could think of. On day 4 of this same headache, I told him that we needed to go see a doctor. He replied that he would be okay, and he just didn’t feel like going. I was so frustrated! I knew it would keep him out of work, he would miss Halloween with our kids, and that he was just prolonging something that might be easily fixed with a prescription. The next day, he felt completely better.

And then something humbling happened. Two days ago I woke up with a demon headache. It slowly took over my whole face and down my neck. It is like the worst migraine/sinus infection I have ever felt! I totally understand now why my poor husband didn’t want to go to the doctor! The thought of that makes me ache and my stomach turn. I just want to rest!

I find it unfortunate and so terribly sad that I had so little patience with my sweet husband not wanting to go to the doctor, just because I wanted him to do it. It is awful to me that it took facing the same headache symptoms to understand what he was trying to tell me. What pain he would have experienced if he had listened to me! It was such a selfish frustration on my part!

The opportunity to literally go through what a spouse has felt is not a common one. If it took this pain for me to understand, I have to ask myself how often I miss something? How often do I get frustrated because of what I see, what I feel or what I think? How often do I neglect to really understand WHY my husband feels some way or does something that I may get frustrated with? And is that really fair?

This week’s readings reminded me of my end goals. What do I really want to gain from all this? My goal is not to be happy at the expense of my husband’s happiness. I want to be happy, I want my husband to be happy and I want to be happy together with my husband. But what I really want is to be able to say that I did everything I could to build that happiness for my whole family.

The Three Wolves

"Elder Hafen has described three kinds of wolves that test every marriage. The first is the adversity that is a part of mortality. The second is our own imperfections. He describes the third as the 'excessive individualism: that causes us to evaluate everything in terms of its effect on us. The value of every experience and every person is based on whether they meet our needs and honor our preferences.'"

This quote really stuck out to me in the reading this week. I think that two of the three wolves are very obvious and well known. Marriages always have and always will face adversity. I don’t think this is a secret, or even something that isn’t apparent to everyone who has ever known a married person.

The second wolf, personal imperfections, is also very easy to see as something that could potentially hurt a marriage. It could be personal imperfections that go unseen to the owner of them, or the imperfections that are constantly being picked out by an annoyed spouse. Because none of us are perfect humans, we will always have imperfections that hinder us until dealt with. I also believe this is a commonly known, and noticeable wolf.

The third, however, is something that can sneak up on a couple. When a spouse starts evaluating their husband or wife based solely on their ability to benefit the spouse, it is so destructive! I also think that this behavior can go unnoticed, or even justified, by spouses.

We know a very sweet, young girl that is struggling with this exact problem. She dates many men, some good and some not-so-good. But even when she dates a “good” one, she tends to only be interested as long as what they bring to HER table outweighs what she finds less desirable, or what they require of her. Luckily for her, she is still in the dating stages and may discover this wolf before she enters into marriage.

Avoiding this wolf in marriage is crucial for growth and success of a marriage. If we constantly are worrying about our own needs getting met, then we are not focusing at all on the needs of our spouse. If we judge the worth of a spouse by how well they meet our needs, then we lose so much of what makes our spouses amazing and perfect for us. If we are always looking for more, more, more- then it comes at the expense of the person we love.

Sacrifices

“When we make sacrifices, we are following the example of the Savior, who sacrificed everything in order to rescue us. The making of holy sacrifices is full of grace and truth. The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth—goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities.

So it turns out that sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases. We “sacrifice” our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain! In Heaven’s economy, so much is gotten for so little!”

I really enjoyed this part of the reading from Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your MARRIAGE. In this chapter, Dr. Goddard related modern married couples to the relationship of Adam and Eve. The above quote references a married couples’ ability and need to sacrifice their own vices and desires for the good of their relationship, much like Adam and Eve sacrificed on the Altar for the well-being of their faith and souls after being cast out of the Garden of Eden.

This analogy had me searching my own life for my pet sins that I should have sacrificed long ago. I can be quick to frustration, I am short-tempered when I hear people chew with their mouths open, and I really do not handle myself well when we are running late. I don’t like to be late! I have little patience for whining and sometimes I get upset when I find dirty laundry hiding in my children’s rooms. I voice my frustration to my family about these things often, sometimes even on a weekly basis.

However, how often do you think my sweet husband voices his frustrations over his sometimes not-so-sweet wife? Never. Actually, three times ever in the last ten years. I remember them all very well, so I can accurately and legitimately say three. THREE! I would love to say that it is only three because I never do anything to merit it, but obviously that is very far from true. So why three?

Because my husband lets things go. He is kind. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He is polite. And most of all, he puts his pet peeves over the things I do on the altar to sacrifice for the good of our marriage. My husband doesn’t hold grudges, and things just RARELY bother him to the point where he has a vocal complaint. I have heard him voice frustration with others before, but only a few times with me. That must be on the altar, too.

This was a humbling realization for me. Clearly my altar is a lot less bountiful than my amazing husbands. No, it isn’t a competition. But it really isn’t as equal as it should be either. I should be doing better. I should let things go and be willing to sacrifice more. I need to work at relaxing a bit more, so that my marriage can be blessed from both of us sacrificing together more. And like Dr. Goddard said, it really isn’t a sacrifice, as much as a purchase. I can work with my sweet husband to purchase an incredible eternity.

Gospel Saves Marriages

I am a member of a phone app for pregnant moms. Once in a while, when I have a free moment, I look over the questions of some of the first-time moms that have some concerns and try to help be sharing my experience with my own 5 pregnancies. Usually the questions have to do with weird bodily issues or labor, but once in a while a relationship issue will pop up.

I am always astounded by the replies that these poor, scared women receive in answer to their issues. I have seen affairs, addictions and pornography encouraged for husbands, always with patience and understanding encouraged for the wives. I have seen divorces encouraged, even applauded.

It is during these times that I know why I check this app every few days. A scared, weary mom does not need those influences! I remind her to pray, to speak to a religious leader, and to have a loving discussion with her spouse. Surely there are better ways to help a couple stay together?

In reading Drawing Heaven into Your MARRIAGE, by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, I found this:

“The key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no other place to find the solution.”

Man’s ideas of what will make a marital relationship better will never begin to heal a couple in the way that the Gospel does. There are experts preaching communication techniques, diagnosing control issues and a myriad of other ways to put band-aids on problems. There are also “experts,” who have answers ranging from separation, infidelity, retaliation, inducing jealousy and breaking commandments for fixing problems in marriage. Isn’t this all counterproductive?

 From the same book,

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use the eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become….Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

A successful marriage is one whose foundation is built on the Lord. When reading these quotes this week, I had never really considered that marriages not built there were not succeeding. I know plenty of people that seem to be happily married that are not members of the church.

The more that I ponder that idea, I realize that “marriage” is what I had been confusing. The world will tell us that a marriage is basically contractual agreement that two people are a committed lifelong couple. However, we know that the Lord’s commandment of marriage concerns a much higher ideal for his children. He planned for His covenant keeping children to be sealed for life on this earth, as well as for eternity. He intended for couples to become one together as they looked to Him for guidance and instruction. He hoped for joy in marriage, for couples that learn and pray together, for commandments to be obeyed and covenants to be kept. That type of marriage does not come from a simple contractual agreement.

There will be times, even outside of a phone app, where we, as members of the church, are questioned about marital problems. Maybe a newlywed couple is searching for advice after their first argument and asks what they can do? Or maybe a deeply troubled marriage is asking for help as a last resort. What do we say?

Our answers then should reflect our knowledge of what marriage is supposed to be. We turn them to the Lord. We tell them to pray. Well tell them to beg the Lord for answers, and to listen for the ones he tries to give. We tell them to have faith. We invite them to repent if they need to. And maybe, we even tell them to talk with a Bishop.

I am grateful for a loving Father who instituted a way for couples and families to be together forever. I am grateful for a covenant keeping spouse who makes me a better person everyday. I am so grateful for repentance, and that there is a plan and a way for every couple to attain success. And I am grateful for prayer, and for the peace and comfort that it can bring in even the most troubling situations. 

50 vs. 100

My husband and I were married around the same time as many of our friends. Over the last ten years, we have seen a few of them struggle to figure out their new family’s priorities. A common idea among the troubled ones is that once they bring children into the world, that the children become their main priority, followed then by either church or their spouse. Each parent will give every second of time and scrap of effort to their offspring, while neglecting the needs of their husband or wife. Unfortunately, this seems to lead to some hurt feelings, lots of fighting, and sometimes marriage disintegration.

Priorities that we set in marriage seem to, from my untrained perspective, directly impact relationships between married parents. If both parents are giving all their energy to children first, then that leaves their spouse with just the leftovers.

In a 1996 Ensign article, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, said,

“Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

While this quote applies to many aspects of marriage, I believe it is very relevant to this situation also. As covenant keeping spouses work at giving each other 100 percent, the couples will be blessed and the children will be blessed. Parents who are happily working toward a productive marriage will be able to meet their children’s attention needs also.

Being Bold

A few years back I became good friends with my next door neighbor at our small, rundown apartment building. She was a complete opposite from me in that she suffered from severe health conditions, she was very active in her Baptist religion, and that she always surrounded herself with any stray cat that was lucky enough to find her. She shared her beliefs with anyone who would listen, and would stay so current on the political trends that threatened the family unit, or any type of religious freedoms.

Even though the years carried us farther and farther apart in distance, I felt we actually were becoming closer and closer in our faith and belief. She was still Baptist and I, LDS, but our ideals were a lot more similar than I realized. In fact, the biggest difference between us was our approach. I was quiet and worked hard to be patient and understanding of all beliefs. My friend loved people for who they were, but when it came down to her approach to religion, she was bold.

A few months ago, my friend lost her battle to her ongoing medical conditions. Her passing really got me thinking about these approaches. I said a quiet prayer and promised her and my Father in heaven that I would be bold in my faith, bold in my testimony and bold in sharing it.

Fulfilling this promise has been particularly trying with the topic of same-sex marriage. Both my husband and I have close family members who are homosexual, whom we love and adore with our whole hearts. And in some cases where we have met them, we also love and adore their life-partners! We also want to see them happy and to have peace in their hearts- something that can be so difficult for those in their situation.

However, although I love each of them dearly and with everything I have, I cannot deny what I know to be true. Marriage is about families. Families create children. That is God’s plan for His children and for this Earth. Gay marriage does not promote children, or in-turn, families for the purpose that they were created. Gay marriage is contrary to The Plan.

So here I find myself, caught in the middle of gay family members whom I love and want to be happy, and my faith and knowledge of Heavenly Father’s Plan for families and my promise to be bold in that faith. There are good, honest people pulling from both sides. While it feels like a battle is raging around me, I know exactly where I stand. It isn’t about supporting a cause or even those sweet souls whom I love, it’s about families. God’s children, who he placed down here with the intention that they would create more families. Families whose children work together for exaltation, who promote God’s laws and commandments, and who aim to be able to enter into eternal covenants with one another.

In the October 2014 General Conference, Elder Dallin H. Oaks shared this:

“Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values. The gospel of Jesus Christ and the covenants we have made inevitably cast us as combatants in the eternal contest between truth and error. There is no middle ground in that contest.”

There are heart-wrenching stories of military families not being able to keep marriage titles over state lines, of scared same-sex adoptive couples not able to claim life-partners as spouses in case of emergency, of tax benefits of married couples being missed out on. There are so many sad, unfortunate and loud stories being told to make the case for same-sex marriage.

But what loud stories or arguments are being said in behalf of families? They are out there, but they are few and they are quiet. We should always love and show kindness to our neighbors, our brothers, our sisters….but we should always love God most. It is our time to be bold, like my sweet friend always strived to be. It is our time to speak in behalf of God’s plan for His children and for His families.

It is important to remember that our God is not governed by the laws of the land. While this land is sacred, a deciding vote in legislature does not impact the laws that the Lord has set in place. In this instance, national laws and popularity lie solely in the hands of man—the well-intentioned, but very misguided hands of man.

So how do we be bold? First, we create and raise families in the knowledge of The Plan of Happiness. Second, we share our testimonies of families, and in God’s plan for them. We cast our political votes in the way we feel best exemplifies Heavenly Father’s plan for our nation and its families. And then, we make sure to stand up for the light and truth when attempts to diminish it are made. In addition to that, we share real and genuine love and kindness to those who feel differently.

I am grateful for the gift that the Plan of Happiness brings for families. I am grateful for the opportunity to be bold in my testimony of it, and for the equalizing love of the Savior for persons of all faiths, skin colors, and sexual preferences. This is a wonderful and trying time to be a member of Christ’s church, but the sacrifice of boldness is little in comparison to sacrifices made in my behalf. For that I am also grateful.

A One-Day Event

A few years back, my husband and I were able to attend the wedding reception of one of his mission companions. The reception was beautiful, the venue was amazing, and the food was incredible. It was obvious for the average attendee that every decorative detail of this party had been carefully planned and carried out. However, after some time at the reception, one curious detail stood out in my mind.

After the party had started to wind down, looks of fear and panic were seen on both the bride and groom’s faces. They did not look anything close to content, let alone happy. My husband’s friend, the groom, approached my husband and began sharing that they were so nervous for this night to end because no effort had been placed into preparing for life after the wedding. They had no home to go home to, no real jobs, no plans for the future. His fear is something I will always remember and have often shared with younger engaged couples since. My advice is this: don’t spend so much time and energy planning your wedding that you forget to plan out your life together. It is easy to lose yourself in the excitement, but a wedding is just one day! Without discussing your lives, plans, hopes and dreams, the wedding will end and leave you in a panic.

This communication and planning, taking place hopefully before the wedding day, can save years of heartache and sorrow for married couples. Decisions like: Do we want children? Will the mother work after children come? What will our relationship to in-laws be like? Will we attend church? What are our goals? What do we want for the future? These are just some of the questions that married couples and families often face.

But how can this initial communication help marriages? In a 2007 Ensign article from Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he says this:

“The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”

Now, I am not saying that the young couple from my story is headed for divorce. Actually, they are doing very well now and have been married for five years. However, that initial shock to their special day could and should have been avoided. Communication is essential to avoiding unnecessary tensions, heartache and even sorrow. In fact, Elder Oaks goes on to say this:

“Associations through ‘hanging out’ or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage.”

Communication is more than just talking. It is having real-life experiences with in-laws. It is seeing how a fiancé treats their family and friends. It is being there when integrity, honesty and virtue are called in to be tested. Marriage is more than a one-day party with a fluffy, white dress. It is a lifetime partnership. The gravity of the commitment of marriage surely warrants preparation.

In the published work, State of Our Unions 2012 from The National Marriage Project,

“Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their unions produce. Because marriage fosters small cooperative unions—otherwise known as stable families—it not only enables children to thrive, but also shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.”

Forming a marriage not only impacts the two newlyweds, but also possible future children, as well as countless other future generations. The impact is also shared in extended families (including in-laws), and even the community. The decision to marry is not a small one, nor should it be taken lightly. Likewise, the decision to end a marriage, with all it’s impact, should also be carefully decided.

This does not seem to be the case, however. In that same study by The National Marriage Project, it is stated:

“For first marriages recently formed, between 40 and 50 percent are likely to end in divorce. The divorce rate for remarriages is higher than that for first marriages.”

It is no surprise that Satan has directed his attention toward marriage. A marriage, the very foundation of a family, has the ability to foster love and testimony. It also has the ability to torment and cause aching sorrows- which ultimately may lead families away from Christ.

Spencer W. Kimball, in a 1980 Ensign address, said: “Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”

Our spouses, our children, our relatives and the community are depending on us to figure out a way to make marriages successful. Communication and genuine discussion of who a potential spouse really is, coupled with sincere prayer, is how this can happen. Discussing plans, hopes, and beliefs—the very basics of a relationship that looks to the future—can help alleviate stress of trials and bumps in the road of marriage.

Elder Oaks reminds us:

“In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”

I am grateful for our sweet friends, who through their trials, were able to share a memorable learning experience for me. I am grateful for a gospel that teaches the importance of family, and of eternal marriage. I truly believe that the Lord has made it possible for marriages to be successful and thriving, as we work together to make good decisions and repent of the not-so-good ones. I am also grateful for the truth that no one person is perfect, just as no one marriage is perfect. It is always a work in progress.