It's All About the Cleaving!

“President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24, said: ‘She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, who are so deal to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place. I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake.’ We might add that it is a serious mistake for newly married sons or daughters to put their parents in that first place and crowd out the new husband or wife.”

-James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen

I recently had a discussion with someone close to me about some choices they had made in previous relationships. This person explained to me that in their previous marriage, the mother was so involved with her children and their lives, that she left little/no time to be a wife. She was an A+ mother, daughter, employee and friend, but was really failing her marriage. The father was doing very well in his job, in his calling and as a friend, but was also failing as a spouse. He felt that she was putting the kids above him, and she felt that he was always working, so she had to. Eventually choices were made that ended the marriage.

I knew this part of the story already. But what I didn’t know was how nervous the mother was to hurt or leave her children. Her husband wanted to go on trips alone together, but she was always too scared to leave the kids. He wanted date nights, but she couldn’t handle the thought of a babysitter. She loved her kids so much, that she wanted to do the best she could as a mom. After discussing it, her advice to me was to put my husband first.

Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

I remember the bishop from my teen years telling us a story about his dad. He said that one night at Sunday dinner, the kids asked the father if all of his family were drowning in the pool, who would he save first? His reply was: “I would step on every one of your heads to save your mother.” Obviously this is a dramatic example and supposed to be kind of morbidly comical, but it has always stuck with me. Spouses come first….always. It’s all about the cleaving!

It can be very easy for us to break the order of priorities. We should put God at the top, then our spouses, then our children, and so on… If this order is broken, things are not working properly. Things don’t feel right, and actually feel really bad when the order has been changed.

When I put my husband in his rightful, and preeminent place in my priorities, things are better. We still struggle with life’s fun puzzles, but we do it together. The best gift that I could ever give my husband is to put his needs and wants above all else. My children are some of my greatest treasures and blessings, but my husband is my companion throughout eternity. He is the one who will stand by my side forever as my best friend. My parents and family are still some of my favorite people and mean the world to me, but they have their proper order in my priorities and they respect that! They are cleaving to spouses, too!

I am grateful for the peace that comes to my soul, to my marriage and to my home when priorities are in their proper order. I am grateful for a spouse that always puts me first, and for kids that see him do it. When the order is followed, we all benefit!

Cookies!

When my husband and I were in engaged, just a few weeks before we were married, I experienced my most memorable lesson about learning from a [future] spouse. We were driving on the backroads of our little farm town, talking about the plans for the wedding reception. Some of his family, who were not yet used to thinking of us as adults, were struggling to come-to-terms with some of the plans. As a natural people-pleaser, this was really hard for me. I remember they wanted to change things I had picked out, and even though I had had my heart set on them, I was contemplating the change. I just couldn’t handle the thought of them being upset by me!

My sweet and amazing husband, then just my fiancé, put his foot down. He explained to me that if people have a problem with something that I love, that it is their problem. If I was kind and didn’t do anything wrong, then I shouldn’t feel bad. And if they still were annoyed, then it was their fault for choosing to be annoyed.

This was just so entirely different than anything that I had ever believed. My husband called these people and told them no, that they were stressing me out and to leave me alone about it all. And they did! And they didn’t hate me! Weird!

I remember this occasion not just for the lesson that he taught me about how to handle my people-pleasing tendencies, but for how different we were. For the first time I really understood that we were distinctive people, who reacted differently, but that we worked together.

This is perfectly explained by Elder Henry B. Eyring, at the end of his talk “That We May Be One:”

“A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

Since then, we have obviously had more differences pop up. I think they really work together to balance us out. I am a bit more bossy, while my husband usually has an along-for-the-ride attitude. I love to bake, and my husband loves to eat cookies. I stress about people seeing our house when it looks messy, while my husband doesn’t care if guests know that people actually live in our house. Those things can sometimes cause a little friction, but usually they work to even out our craziness to normal levels. And isn’t that balance what it is really all about? Finding what makes us one?

Being “one,” doesn’t necessarily mean being the same. It means that we are united. You can be united in purpose, in love, in goals...in so many things without being exactly the same. My husband and I work to be united, and because of that, our home can feel united. We work together to raise our children, to perform our callings, to be with our families, to love our neighborhood neighbors and to get through school. It starts in our marriage and works its way into everything that we do. The opposite thing happens, unfortunately, when we are not as united as we should be.

I am grateful for our differences, and I love our similarities. I love that both parts of our relationship work to bring us together as “one.” We fit each other. And…it is kind of nice that he is there to make sure no cookies go to waste.

Media and Marriage

“Sometimes the image of men and women shown in the media subtly and incorrectly influences our perception of sexuality. Seldom does the media present a balanced, mature, loving marital relationship. Men are often presented as strong, dashing heroes with little commitment and only one desire—sex. Women are portrayed as hopelessly romantic, pragmatically businesslike, or silly, who in any case have one function—that of satisfying man’s one desire. Both of these narrow views deny the individuality of men and women. They ignore the fact that both are children of God, each with his or her own hopes, desires, talents, and emotions. When a husband and wife forget this truth and see the other as an object, sexuality can do little or nothing to promote intimacy.”

–Brent A. Barlow, September 1986 Ensign, They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage

Embarrassingly, I had never really picked up on this truth, until very recently. It is amazing at how many disturbing and prevalent truths you pick up on when that media portrayal is seen or heard by your daughter! Television shows that I would watch and would have before considered “basically appropriate,” become much less “appropriate” when my nine-year-old daughter is watching it with me! But why? Why have I always deemed it ok for my own soul, but like a light switch in her presence, it is suddenly barbaric?

When I think of my sweet little girl, I don’t ever want her to even once consider her sexual purity as silly. I never want her to feel like real and spiritual love is for hopeless romantics. I can not handle the thought of her living a life of promiscuity, or of her believing that physical and sexual relations are expected from her before marriage. I mean, this is my daughter people!

Since I am so offended by this thought, I must have made many precautions to avoid it, right? I taught her about modesty, about dating, and about safe internet practices. We talked about love within marriage, and I make sure she knows she can always come to me for questions and help. I thought I was doing pretty good! But as I was reading today, I realized that I have willingly been letting examples of infidelity, promiscuity, immodesty and inappropriate language into my home. I have used my very own television remote to expose her to the exact lifestyles that I never wanted her to consider leading. I did that! Her own mother! And you know what? It wasn’t even through terribly bad shows- it happens on children channels, too.

It makes me ill to think about. But what feels worse, is knowing that I have exposed that same ugliness into my marriage. Netflix has made it so easy for us to unwind at night with a show—all while we subject ourselves to things that are offensive to the Lord and to the Spirit. We have done so much in our marriage to protect ourselves and our home from Satan, but we invite him in willingly with our media choices. My purity is of no less worth than my daughter’s—so why hasn’t it offended me or my spirit before?

Going forward, things in our marriage, in our home and in our parenting will need to change. If we want to have a home that invites the Spirit, then we need to make sure we are allowing the Spirit to be happy here. If my marriage is to represent everything that we say we believe in, then we should be upholding every one of those values in the media choices we allow. What is inappropriate for my child, will most definitely be inappropriate for my marriage, and for myself!

Charity and Our Hearts

“Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” –H. Wallace Goddard, PhD

This quote touched my heart. How many times have I tried to help my husband (or anyone else) see what they need to do to “fix” themselves, when really there was no problem on their behalf? I cannot, and will not ever “fix” anything about anyone. No amount of coaching will change that. That isn’t my purpose, and should never be my goal.

Charity means loving people. It means loving their good, as well as loving their less-than-good. It means more than just turning a blind-eye, or choosing not to voice an irritation. It is accepting the person for everything that they are, everything that they will become, and everywhere that they have been. Charity is loving someone the way that Christ loves each of us- completely, and with no exception.

In marriage, this is especially important. Last year, my husband and I decided it was the perfect timing and situation to quickly get through school. He quit his job and took on about 24 credit hours, and I bumped up my credits to full-time. We woke up every morning, got our big kids to school, and then sat in front of computers and books to do homework. Besides meetings for our callings, shopping or trips to our kid’s school/doctors/sports, we spend every minute of every day together for an entire year.

It was awesome, and probably the best and hardest year of our marriage yet! We are totally different people, that operate on two totally different wavelengths. We got along fine most of the time, but once in a while, we would clash. During those times when we were annoyed, it was very hard not to pick apart the other. Typing to loud, taking too many breaks, getting a poor grade, leaving a mess…..it was a lot for both of us to handle! And why? Because our hearts were not right—we were selfishly picking apart traits that differ from us. “There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”

If I could go back to last year, I would change some things. First, I would try to remember that the things that I would get annoyed with are not the others' fault. They cannot control if I get annoyed, only I can. Second, I would try to love my sweet husband for every amazing part of him, even the parts that were difficult to manage. Third, I would try to love my husband even more for being so patient and kind to me. Fourth, I would do everything I could to always see him exactly as the Savior sees him.

I am so grateful for the knowledge of Jesus Christ that we have, and for the endless and perfect love that He has for each of us. I know that as we seek to understand and know that love, that we will have no bigger desire than to share it with others. I am grateful for the knowledge of families and eternal marriage, and for that heavenly example that was set in place for us to follow. We can and should love our spouses, with the same perfect love we are shown from our Savior.

Consecration

“A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” –Elder Lynn G. Robbins

It seems like such an easy thing to say, “you are making me so upset!” It is much more difficult to accept that our emotions belong to us, and that we are just as responsible for our own emotions as we are the actions that sometimes follow them. We choose to be happy. We choose to be mad. We choose to be heartbroken. Our emotions are choices that we make!

In marriage, this self-owning of our emotions is especially important. Because no marriage, or no spouse will ever be perfect, this practice takes effort. Sometimes a lot of effort! This sacrifice of our natural-man tendency to blame another for our emotions is part of consecrating ourselves and our marriage unto the Lord.

“Those who will bear whatever is necessary in order to honor their covenants will be made glorious. They will experience eternal joy. They are, after all, those who have honored eternal things above temporal things.” – Dr. H. Wallace Goddard

We are promised that if we will do whatever it takes to honor our covenants, much better things will await us. Part of those covenants include mastering our emotions. When considering the blessings that are in the future for the righteous, should it really be hard for us to control these emotions?

This idea crossed my mind a few times this week when I was running different errands with my children. Without fail, my son will always ask for some sort of treat at the grocery store. Actually, he will usually ask for several different treats. Once in a while, I will say “yes.” However, most of the time, I will say “no.” Most of the time he expects a “no,” so he just moves on and looks up the isle for the next treat to ask for. However, if my son is tired, or even  a little hungry, the “no,” stirs up some whining. I remind him that we don’t always say yes to treats, and that he needs to control his reactions so that maybe next time it can happen.

As a parent, I want my young son to learn to control his own actions, and to be responsible for being happy even if he doesn’t get what he wants. He is a child and is learning to do this! So at what point do I expect less from myself, a grown-up, in my marriage? Why is my boy expected to control a temper, when sometimes I barely am managing to keep it together? It is a choice. And it is a choice that even young children are taught to make.

Part of giving everything I have to the Lord, and to my marriage includes my choice to be angry, to feel hurt or offended, and so many more destructive emotions that are personal choices. I love the Lord more than myself, so I give up my need to react in anger. I love my spouse more than myself, so I practice feeling positive emotions.

The Ironic Dilemma

“The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness—and we are seeking happiness in ways guarantee emptiness.” – Dr. H. Wallace Goddard

It is so interesting, isn’t it? That what we seek in our marriages, if sought for in the wrong places can actually end our marriages? We think that the key to being happy is making sure that everything around us fits our needs and our wants. But in reality, the only real place we will find joy in our marriages is outside of ourselves.

Last week my husband had a pretty bad headache. He complained that it was pulsing through his head and into his jaw. I offered him a heat pack, some medicine, liquids…anything I could think of. On day 4 of this same headache, I told him that we needed to go see a doctor. He replied that he would be okay, and he just didn’t feel like going. I was so frustrated! I knew it would keep him out of work, he would miss Halloween with our kids, and that he was just prolonging something that might be easily fixed with a prescription. The next day, he felt completely better.

And then something humbling happened. Two days ago I woke up with a demon headache. It slowly took over my whole face and down my neck. It is like the worst migraine/sinus infection I have ever felt! I totally understand now why my poor husband didn’t want to go to the doctor! The thought of that makes me ache and my stomach turn. I just want to rest!

I find it unfortunate and so terribly sad that I had so little patience with my sweet husband not wanting to go to the doctor, just because I wanted him to do it. It is awful to me that it took facing the same headache symptoms to understand what he was trying to tell me. What pain he would have experienced if he had listened to me! It was such a selfish frustration on my part!

The opportunity to literally go through what a spouse has felt is not a common one. If it took this pain for me to understand, I have to ask myself how often I miss something? How often do I get frustrated because of what I see, what I feel or what I think? How often do I neglect to really understand WHY my husband feels some way or does something that I may get frustrated with? And is that really fair?

This week’s readings reminded me of my end goals. What do I really want to gain from all this? My goal is not to be happy at the expense of my husband’s happiness. I want to be happy, I want my husband to be happy and I want to be happy together with my husband. But what I really want is to be able to say that I did everything I could to build that happiness for my whole family.

The Three Wolves

"Elder Hafen has described three kinds of wolves that test every marriage. The first is the adversity that is a part of mortality. The second is our own imperfections. He describes the third as the 'excessive individualism: that causes us to evaluate everything in terms of its effect on us. The value of every experience and every person is based on whether they meet our needs and honor our preferences.'"

This quote really stuck out to me in the reading this week. I think that two of the three wolves are very obvious and well known. Marriages always have and always will face adversity. I don’t think this is a secret, or even something that isn’t apparent to everyone who has ever known a married person.

The second wolf, personal imperfections, is also very easy to see as something that could potentially hurt a marriage. It could be personal imperfections that go unseen to the owner of them, or the imperfections that are constantly being picked out by an annoyed spouse. Because none of us are perfect humans, we will always have imperfections that hinder us until dealt with. I also believe this is a commonly known, and noticeable wolf.

The third, however, is something that can sneak up on a couple. When a spouse starts evaluating their husband or wife based solely on their ability to benefit the spouse, it is so destructive! I also think that this behavior can go unnoticed, or even justified, by spouses.

We know a very sweet, young girl that is struggling with this exact problem. She dates many men, some good and some not-so-good. But even when she dates a “good” one, she tends to only be interested as long as what they bring to HER table outweighs what she finds less desirable, or what they require of her. Luckily for her, she is still in the dating stages and may discover this wolf before she enters into marriage.

Avoiding this wolf in marriage is crucial for growth and success of a marriage. If we constantly are worrying about our own needs getting met, then we are not focusing at all on the needs of our spouse. If we judge the worth of a spouse by how well they meet our needs, then we lose so much of what makes our spouses amazing and perfect for us. If we are always looking for more, more, more- then it comes at the expense of the person we love.