The Three Wolves

"Elder Hafen has described three kinds of wolves that test every marriage. The first is the adversity that is a part of mortality. The second is our own imperfections. He describes the third as the 'excessive individualism: that causes us to evaluate everything in terms of its effect on us. The value of every experience and every person is based on whether they meet our needs and honor our preferences.'"

This quote really stuck out to me in the reading this week. I think that two of the three wolves are very obvious and well known. Marriages always have and always will face adversity. I don’t think this is a secret, or even something that isn’t apparent to everyone who has ever known a married person.

The second wolf, personal imperfections, is also very easy to see as something that could potentially hurt a marriage. It could be personal imperfections that go unseen to the owner of them, or the imperfections that are constantly being picked out by an annoyed spouse. Because none of us are perfect humans, we will always have imperfections that hinder us until dealt with. I also believe this is a commonly known, and noticeable wolf.

The third, however, is something that can sneak up on a couple. When a spouse starts evaluating their husband or wife based solely on their ability to benefit the spouse, it is so destructive! I also think that this behavior can go unnoticed, or even justified, by spouses.

We know a very sweet, young girl that is struggling with this exact problem. She dates many men, some good and some not-so-good. But even when she dates a “good” one, she tends to only be interested as long as what they bring to HER table outweighs what she finds less desirable, or what they require of her. Luckily for her, she is still in the dating stages and may discover this wolf before she enters into marriage.

Avoiding this wolf in marriage is crucial for growth and success of a marriage. If we constantly are worrying about our own needs getting met, then we are not focusing at all on the needs of our spouse. If we judge the worth of a spouse by how well they meet our needs, then we lose so much of what makes our spouses amazing and perfect for us. If we are always looking for more, more, more- then it comes at the expense of the person we love.

Sacrifices

“When we make sacrifices, we are following the example of the Savior, who sacrificed everything in order to rescue us. The making of holy sacrifices is full of grace and truth. The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth—goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities.

So it turns out that sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases. We “sacrifice” our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain! In Heaven’s economy, so much is gotten for so little!”

I really enjoyed this part of the reading from Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your MARRIAGE. In this chapter, Dr. Goddard related modern married couples to the relationship of Adam and Eve. The above quote references a married couples’ ability and need to sacrifice their own vices and desires for the good of their relationship, much like Adam and Eve sacrificed on the Altar for the well-being of their faith and souls after being cast out of the Garden of Eden.

This analogy had me searching my own life for my pet sins that I should have sacrificed long ago. I can be quick to frustration, I am short-tempered when I hear people chew with their mouths open, and I really do not handle myself well when we are running late. I don’t like to be late! I have little patience for whining and sometimes I get upset when I find dirty laundry hiding in my children’s rooms. I voice my frustration to my family about these things often, sometimes even on a weekly basis.

However, how often do you think my sweet husband voices his frustrations over his sometimes not-so-sweet wife? Never. Actually, three times ever in the last ten years. I remember them all very well, so I can accurately and legitimately say three. THREE! I would love to say that it is only three because I never do anything to merit it, but obviously that is very far from true. So why three?

Because my husband lets things go. He is kind. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He is polite. And most of all, he puts his pet peeves over the things I do on the altar to sacrifice for the good of our marriage. My husband doesn’t hold grudges, and things just RARELY bother him to the point where he has a vocal complaint. I have heard him voice frustration with others before, but only a few times with me. That must be on the altar, too.

This was a humbling realization for me. Clearly my altar is a lot less bountiful than my amazing husbands. No, it isn’t a competition. But it really isn’t as equal as it should be either. I should be doing better. I should let things go and be willing to sacrifice more. I need to work at relaxing a bit more, so that my marriage can be blessed from both of us sacrificing together more. And like Dr. Goddard said, it really isn’t a sacrifice, as much as a purchase. I can work with my sweet husband to purchase an incredible eternity.

Gospel Saves Marriages

I am a member of a phone app for pregnant moms. Once in a while, when I have a free moment, I look over the questions of some of the first-time moms that have some concerns and try to help be sharing my experience with my own 5 pregnancies. Usually the questions have to do with weird bodily issues or labor, but once in a while a relationship issue will pop up.

I am always astounded by the replies that these poor, scared women receive in answer to their issues. I have seen affairs, addictions and pornography encouraged for husbands, always with patience and understanding encouraged for the wives. I have seen divorces encouraged, even applauded.

It is during these times that I know why I check this app every few days. A scared, weary mom does not need those influences! I remind her to pray, to speak to a religious leader, and to have a loving discussion with her spouse. Surely there are better ways to help a couple stay together?

In reading Drawing Heaven into Your MARRIAGE, by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, I found this:

“The key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no other place to find the solution.”

Man’s ideas of what will make a marital relationship better will never begin to heal a couple in the way that the Gospel does. There are experts preaching communication techniques, diagnosing control issues and a myriad of other ways to put band-aids on problems. There are also “experts,” who have answers ranging from separation, infidelity, retaliation, inducing jealousy and breaking commandments for fixing problems in marriage. Isn’t this all counterproductive?

 From the same book,

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use the eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become….Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

A successful marriage is one whose foundation is built on the Lord. When reading these quotes this week, I had never really considered that marriages not built there were not succeeding. I know plenty of people that seem to be happily married that are not members of the church.

The more that I ponder that idea, I realize that “marriage” is what I had been confusing. The world will tell us that a marriage is basically contractual agreement that two people are a committed lifelong couple. However, we know that the Lord’s commandment of marriage concerns a much higher ideal for his children. He planned for His covenant keeping children to be sealed for life on this earth, as well as for eternity. He intended for couples to become one together as they looked to Him for guidance and instruction. He hoped for joy in marriage, for couples that learn and pray together, for commandments to be obeyed and covenants to be kept. That type of marriage does not come from a simple contractual agreement.

There will be times, even outside of a phone app, where we, as members of the church, are questioned about marital problems. Maybe a newlywed couple is searching for advice after their first argument and asks what they can do? Or maybe a deeply troubled marriage is asking for help as a last resort. What do we say?

Our answers then should reflect our knowledge of what marriage is supposed to be. We turn them to the Lord. We tell them to pray. Well tell them to beg the Lord for answers, and to listen for the ones he tries to give. We tell them to have faith. We invite them to repent if they need to. And maybe, we even tell them to talk with a Bishop.

I am grateful for a loving Father who instituted a way for couples and families to be together forever. I am grateful for a covenant keeping spouse who makes me a better person everyday. I am so grateful for repentance, and that there is a plan and a way for every couple to attain success. And I am grateful for prayer, and for the peace and comfort that it can bring in even the most troubling situations. 

50 vs. 100

My husband and I were married around the same time as many of our friends. Over the last ten years, we have seen a few of them struggle to figure out their new family’s priorities. A common idea among the troubled ones is that once they bring children into the world, that the children become their main priority, followed then by either church or their spouse. Each parent will give every second of time and scrap of effort to their offspring, while neglecting the needs of their husband or wife. Unfortunately, this seems to lead to some hurt feelings, lots of fighting, and sometimes marriage disintegration.

Priorities that we set in marriage seem to, from my untrained perspective, directly impact relationships between married parents. If both parents are giving all their energy to children first, then that leaves their spouse with just the leftovers.

In a 1996 Ensign article, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, said,

“Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

While this quote applies to many aspects of marriage, I believe it is very relevant to this situation also. As covenant keeping spouses work at giving each other 100 percent, the couples will be blessed and the children will be blessed. Parents who are happily working toward a productive marriage will be able to meet their children’s attention needs also.

Being Bold

A few years back I became good friends with my next door neighbor at our small, rundown apartment building. She was a complete opposite from me in that she suffered from severe health conditions, she was very active in her Baptist religion, and that she always surrounded herself with any stray cat that was lucky enough to find her. She shared her beliefs with anyone who would listen, and would stay so current on the political trends that threatened the family unit, or any type of religious freedoms.

Even though the years carried us farther and farther apart in distance, I felt we actually were becoming closer and closer in our faith and belief. She was still Baptist and I, LDS, but our ideals were a lot more similar than I realized. In fact, the biggest difference between us was our approach. I was quiet and worked hard to be patient and understanding of all beliefs. My friend loved people for who they were, but when it came down to her approach to religion, she was bold.

A few months ago, my friend lost her battle to her ongoing medical conditions. Her passing really got me thinking about these approaches. I said a quiet prayer and promised her and my Father in heaven that I would be bold in my faith, bold in my testimony and bold in sharing it.

Fulfilling this promise has been particularly trying with the topic of same-sex marriage. Both my husband and I have close family members who are homosexual, whom we love and adore with our whole hearts. And in some cases where we have met them, we also love and adore their life-partners! We also want to see them happy and to have peace in their hearts- something that can be so difficult for those in their situation.

However, although I love each of them dearly and with everything I have, I cannot deny what I know to be true. Marriage is about families. Families create children. That is God’s plan for His children and for this Earth. Gay marriage does not promote children, or in-turn, families for the purpose that they were created. Gay marriage is contrary to The Plan.

So here I find myself, caught in the middle of gay family members whom I love and want to be happy, and my faith and knowledge of Heavenly Father’s Plan for families and my promise to be bold in that faith. There are good, honest people pulling from both sides. While it feels like a battle is raging around me, I know exactly where I stand. It isn’t about supporting a cause or even those sweet souls whom I love, it’s about families. God’s children, who he placed down here with the intention that they would create more families. Families whose children work together for exaltation, who promote God’s laws and commandments, and who aim to be able to enter into eternal covenants with one another.

In the October 2014 General Conference, Elder Dallin H. Oaks shared this:

“Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values. The gospel of Jesus Christ and the covenants we have made inevitably cast us as combatants in the eternal contest between truth and error. There is no middle ground in that contest.”

There are heart-wrenching stories of military families not being able to keep marriage titles over state lines, of scared same-sex adoptive couples not able to claim life-partners as spouses in case of emergency, of tax benefits of married couples being missed out on. There are so many sad, unfortunate and loud stories being told to make the case for same-sex marriage.

But what loud stories or arguments are being said in behalf of families? They are out there, but they are few and they are quiet. We should always love and show kindness to our neighbors, our brothers, our sisters….but we should always love God most. It is our time to be bold, like my sweet friend always strived to be. It is our time to speak in behalf of God’s plan for His children and for His families.

It is important to remember that our God is not governed by the laws of the land. While this land is sacred, a deciding vote in legislature does not impact the laws that the Lord has set in place. In this instance, national laws and popularity lie solely in the hands of man—the well-intentioned, but very misguided hands of man.

So how do we be bold? First, we create and raise families in the knowledge of The Plan of Happiness. Second, we share our testimonies of families, and in God’s plan for them. We cast our political votes in the way we feel best exemplifies Heavenly Father’s plan for our nation and its families. And then, we make sure to stand up for the light and truth when attempts to diminish it are made. In addition to that, we share real and genuine love and kindness to those who feel differently.

I am grateful for the gift that the Plan of Happiness brings for families. I am grateful for the opportunity to be bold in my testimony of it, and for the equalizing love of the Savior for persons of all faiths, skin colors, and sexual preferences. This is a wonderful and trying time to be a member of Christ’s church, but the sacrifice of boldness is little in comparison to sacrifices made in my behalf. For that I am also grateful.