A few years back, my husband and I were able to attend the
wedding reception of one of his mission companions. The reception was
beautiful, the venue was amazing, and the food was incredible. It was obvious
for the average attendee that every decorative detail of this party had been
carefully planned and carried out. However, after some time at the reception,
one curious detail stood out in my mind.
After the party had started to wind down, looks of fear and
panic were seen on both the bride and groom’s faces. They did not look anything
close to content, let alone happy. My husband’s friend, the groom, approached
my husband and began sharing that they were so nervous for this night to end
because no effort had been placed into preparing for life after the wedding.
They had no home to go home to, no real jobs, no plans for the future. His fear
is something I will always remember and have often shared with younger engaged
couples since. My advice is this: don’t spend so much time and energy planning
your wedding that you forget to plan out your life together. It is easy to lose
yourself in the excitement, but a wedding is just one day! Without discussing your
lives, plans, hopes and dreams, the wedding will end and leave you in a panic.
This communication and planning, taking place hopefully
before the wedding day, can save years of heartache and sorrow for married
couples. Decisions like: Do we want children? Will the mother work after
children come? What will our relationship to in-laws be like? Will we attend
church? What are our goals? What do we want for the future? These are just some
of the questions that married couples and families often face.
But how can this initial communication help marriages? In a
2007 Ensign article from Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he says this:
“The
best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse
is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”
Now, I am not saying that the young couple from my story is
headed for divorce. Actually, they are doing very well now and have been
married for five years. However, that initial shock to their special day could
and should have been avoided. Communication is essential to avoiding
unnecessary tensions, heartache and even sorrow. In fact, Elder Oaks goes on to
say this:
“Associations
through ‘hanging out’ or exchanging information on the Internet are not a
sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and
thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to
experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances.
Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will
soon be joined in marriage.”
Communication
is more than just talking. It is having real-life experiences with in-laws. It
is seeing how a fiancé treats their family and friends. It is being there when
integrity, honesty and virtue are called in to be tested. Marriage is more than
a one-day party with a fluffy, white dress. It is a lifetime partnership. The
gravity of the commitment of marriage surely warrants preparation.
In
the published work, State of Our Unions 2012 from The National Marriage
Project,
“Marriage
is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution.
Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their
unions produce. Because marriage fosters small cooperative unions—otherwise
known as stable families—it not only enables children to thrive, but also
shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and
to weather the bad times.”
Forming
a marriage not only impacts the two newlyweds, but also possible future
children, as well as countless other future generations. The impact is also
shared in extended families (including in-laws), and even the community. The
decision to marry is not a small one, nor should it be taken lightly. Likewise,
the decision to end a marriage, with all it’s impact, should also be carefully
decided.
This does not seem to be the case, however. In that same
study by The National Marriage Project, it is stated:
“For
first marriages recently formed, between 40 and 50 percent are likely to end in
divorce. The divorce rate for remarriages is higher than that for first
marriages.”
It is no surprise that Satan has directed his attention
toward marriage. A marriage, the very foundation of a family, has the ability
to foster love and testimony. It also has the ability to torment and cause
aching sorrows- which ultimately may lead families away from Christ.
Spencer W. Kimball, in a 1980 Ensign address, said: “Many of
the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore
up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only
those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve
their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”
Our spouses, our children, our relatives and the community
are depending on us to figure out a way to make marriages successful.
Communication and genuine discussion of who a potential spouse really is, coupled
with sincere prayer, is how this can happen. Discussing plans, hopes, and
beliefs—the very basics of a relationship that looks to the future—can help
alleviate stress of trials and bumps in the road of marriage.
Elder Oaks reminds us:
“In
all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect
man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive
together toward perfection.”
I am grateful for our sweet friends, who through their
trials, were able to share a memorable learning experience for me. I am
grateful for a gospel that teaches the importance of family, and of eternal
marriage. I truly believe that the Lord has made it possible for marriages to
be successful and thriving, as we work together to make good decisions and
repent of the not-so-good ones. I am also grateful for the truth that no one
person is perfect, just as no one marriage is perfect. It is always a work in
progress.
